5 and counting
I haven't written in a very long time and I have no excuses. There are a lot of things in my life which I have no excuses for. These events for which I can think of no logical explanation for, seem to have been abandoned; like a chapter in a book suddenly blank in the middle of a sentence half way down the page. The reader is left wondering why everything suddenly went dark for no reason. You've felt this before too. The last time you were watching tv, or at the office, or in a room and the electricity just died. Darkness. There is no answer for these times in my life, there are no excuses, only a strange sense of curiosity at how I work, and what makes me do the things I do at any given moment.
Since August of last year I've paid down my debts considerably. I've also been promoted at work and now earn a fraction more than what I initially made. I'm also the most stressed I've ever been in my life, recently out of shape, and probably building cholesterol and gray hairs in all the wrong places. Welcome to your mid-twenties. I used to worry too much about getting out of debt, now I worry more about what to do once I'm out. I took on a second job in October working as a shift supervisor at a Blockbuster video across the street from my house. It's a welcome relief from the office, but it leaves me with no time. Time is something ethereal anyway. There is no measure of it in your mid-twenties, or perhaps in any time I suppose. It is like water vapour appearing in droplets every day and falling onto your tongue. Hardly enough to satisfy parched lips.
I was inspired to begin writing again tonight by one of my friends who said she was moved by some of my writings. Thank you.
Writing to me now is like an old ex who I call upon in times of distress just to spend one night with. I soon forget her, but she never says goodbye, only 'till next time'
sundays
I used to play baseball outside my house on sundays. Growing up downtown meant you'd have to create your own baseball field between the buildings and parking lots and metal railings enclosing you in. We used to roof tennis balls all the time and then looked up at the roof for a few seconds as a fond farewell to another casualty of our games. If it was really hot we'd make the trek over to the riverdale pool. The walk was long but it was all worth it to jump into that pool and splash around. Afterwards we'd go to a convenience store and buy Joe Louis's or twinkies and eat them on our way home as our hair dried in the sun. I'd like to think somewhere out there a few kids my age are doing this exact same thing right now... in the back of their minds the dreaded thoughts of the 'back to school' commercials and the eager but nervous anticipation of grade six, seven or eight.
it's been awhile
I haven't posted in awhile. Since then I've gone on my first vacation in a very long time. Punta Cana was amazing and I enjoyed myself greatly. It's hard to imagine when you live in one place so long how different and unique the rest of the world is. The discovery channel really doesn't do the actual experience justice. My grade school teacher was right, "if you live in one place long enough it becomes your world. And you stop seeing the world outside of that bubble." Thus far my world has been of clay and concrete, bricks and mortar, steel and plastic.
Since I've come back I've been tremendously busy at work. The new manager is cool (so far). I'm almost at my first year anniversay and I already feel like I've out grown the position. I just need a few courses in order to move up. That's all I want right now... is to keep moving up. A part of me has always been somewhat pretentious. I feel I can do anything I want. I just tend to get lazy... and my mind gets distracted easily as well. But that's fixable.
The other day I was walking up to the subway station from work and I passed by an old high school class mate. I called out her name and we chatted for a bit. For some reason I felt so distanced from high school. I felt so old. So far from that time. It was the weirdest feeling in the world. It was as if I'd know this person in a different life or something. I guess every year is a mini life on its own... and you live it and then you start another life. Interestingly enough, I think every year for me is so individually different that I can define them so clearly. And each one had different faces who aren't there any longer or different events that I no longer participate in anymore. Without this blog going forward, I might forget it all.
I don't have much else to say. I just felt like writing.
poetic without poetry
poetic without the poetry... is...
- when you got something to say about something you can feel but can't express.
- when the light blub in your mind flickers ever so quickly that you can barely make out the image of your thoughts.
- when your heart feels like that 5 year old child on the edge of the spring board dying to jump into his fathers arms and the cool water, but his feet just won't budge.
- when you're in love with an idea, an idea about the world that feels like a prophetic verse. It's on the tip of your tongue, just beyond your grasp or understanding. If only you could speak it.
- when you feel reborn within your own aging skin for no reason but the reason that you're alive, you can think and wonder, and you have an unlimited capacity to do so. And you realize that is as close to God as you can get.
poetic without the poetry.
that is my story.
green thumbs & cherry pitts
Our cherry tree in the back yard blossomed this year. The whole family was surprised because it's a perennial tree. I've been gorging on fresh cherries the past few weekends now. I pick them right off the tree and gobble them up. I figured if I don't, the birds and insects will get to them, or they'll just over ripen and fall off and be smushed under my cat's paws. I've had to eat more than my usual capacity for another reason too. I've needed the glucose intake to keep up with my dad's current project - re-modelling our front drive-way and yard. First he was just going to expand the drive-way, then it turned into that plus a large flower garden, now he's put up a couple of trees and expanded drive-way even more to create a walk-way into the backyard! And who do you think's been helping with all this? That's right... moi.
I don't mind it. I like working out doors. It's a welcome change from the air-conditioned, suit and tie, office professionalism I have to deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes it's just nice to get your hands dirty wouldn't you say? I've gotten a nice tan too! Two of our neighbours, both older guys in their early 60s have been helping my dad. These guys are typical Italian guys... you know... the "hey whatcha whatta ya doin' there" accent. My dad's new buddies. They've helped a lot. Plus the guys my dad hired to do the drive-way are Italian too! I swear, another few weeks and I'll be fluent in the language. These two other guys are just adorable. Both these guys are even older... say mid-60s but they work like they're 25 year olds. One of them, Mario, has a cigarette in his mouth all the time. He looks like James Dean or something. The other guy must be at least 70 and his name is Paulo. Real nice guy. Both of them look up and check out ladies butts as they pass by our house. You gotta love that. 60 and 70 years old, you'd think their libidos have shrivelled up into a prune like substance... but no. I can tell they enjoy their work because they joke around a lot and to them it's a nice life. A simple life. You make something with your hands and you see your work afterwards. You go home tired, dirty and sweaty... but then you shower and you have a nice dinner with your family and you feel content. It's a genuine hard-working man's life. And I'm ashamed to say that I used to be embarassed of that kind of life. But I'm not any longer. I realized again over the weekend that striving for success and riches and money is just something we've been conditioned to think. Life is really all about moments... That's all it comes down to. Just moments... and it's up to us to make them quality moments no matter what it is we're doing. Working outside these past few weekends caked in mud, and scratched up from wood, stone, and gravel; sun-burned, sweaty, and aching have been the most rewarding past few weekends I can remember in a long time. And all that hard work is creating a rather nice looking front yard (we get constant compliments from neighbours walking past it). I love the high profile GQ look and the business life with the leather brief cases, thick smooth documents, folders, binders, mont blanc pens and pin stripe suits ... but I also love having soil under my finger nails, and gravel in my shoes, and tan lines from wearing a white undershirt which has now turned brownish-yellow from all the dirt and sweat from a day's laborious endeavor...
I love how happiness can come in so many different forms.
When I'm old I want to be an old guy working on something in his front yard. And I'll call my son to help me whether he wants to or not. We'll both check out ladies' butts as they pass by.
random thoughts on a thursday nite
I'm really blessed. I have some amazing friends. Looking back, I think I always have. They say "show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are." It's an old quote. I only hope I can be as great as some of the friends I have.
I'm working on an invention. I had the epiphany tonight in the shower (don't ask). More information to come as it materializes. This thing could be big... real big.
I went to wendy's today and they messed up my order. To compensate they gave me large fries instead of medium. A simple "sorry" would've sufficed.
side note: the burger was really good. It was the first time I had mushrooms in a burger.
I'm planning a vacation to the Dominican. It'll be the first real vacation I've ever taken. I'm pretty excited. Leaving hopefully July 7th! Sun burns and sandy shorts here I come...
I'm still trying to figure out this line from a smashing pumpkins song ... "armed to the teeth... to everyone I meet." It's so deep... it can mean so many things. What does it mean to you?
right now I'm feeling sleepy but I'm all awake. I'm gonna get up to lay down. Open my mind and close my eyes. Think of something and nothing but that. Drift away and arrive at some place. Open my heart and cover my soul. Bury myself under covers and fly into the openness of dreams.
... or just snore and drool till the alarm clock rings.
// ce soir est noir
random thoughts on a friday night
I love heavy rain showers, especially if there's wind. There's something chaotic and dangerous about it. Something suicidal. Something calming.
I had my first real review at work today. I found out that nothing really matters in the corporate world but the bottom line. The bottom line is everything. It turns humans into animals.
I got my mom tickets to her favourite singer's concert, Googoosh. She loves Googoosh. I hope she has a great time because she deserves more than I could ever give her.
Billy, my cat has more scratches on his face. I don't know why he keeps getting bruised up. It's really cool how he shows no pain though. Not even a hint of pain. Even with an open gash on his nose. Makes me realize how much of a sissy I am. I put a band aid on a paper cut! (but yo .. those sting)
If I could play with any basketball team it'd have to be the San Antonio Spurs. I love their style. I wouldn't want to play for the old Bulls team. Michael would've made me jealous.
I'm going canoeing with some friends this sunday. Should be a great time. I love the outdoors. In the future I'm going to try and go outdoors way more often. Trees and shrubs and such rock... they really do. Lately I've been working with my dad in the front yard and getting soil on my hands and dirt in my shoes feels good. It's an earthly feeling... no pun intended.
I always find myself hungry. Just a hallowness in the pit of my stomach that is insatiable. It's annoying. Now pass the potatoes.
I've decided to not pick up "private" calls at work anymore. They've never been good news.
Whatever happened to cousin Larry from the show Perfect Strangers?
I'm going to bed now // fin.
written january 19th 2000
here is a thought:
imagine a poacher's
mentality
gleaming for his game's apricot flesh
now imagine love as
nothing more than a pursuit
romantic in nature, but vicious in action
if you can separate
this poacher's gun fire from his prey's
furtive escape...
then you have understood
the thought here.
poetry for a posthumous existence
You cannot make out
water from sand
scaning for traces of
erosion
(i) lest faded metaphysical
nights you remember,
crumble into falling stars
(ii) lest wind scattered
portraits marry for the
sake of repossessing Time
(iii) lest captivity inside
a traffic jam burns
her flesh for a faceless
Lover's pleasured embrace
Tracing memories from history,
You cannot make out
tree shadows in his
sunny reflection
Though vaulted yearnings
unseam the brightness
in his eyes
He is normality fixed,
anatomically complete, however
internally devoured
and deceased
But you cannot make out
such faces as you walk
along a busy street.
written february 7th 2000
Youth, as a compromise,
Is innocent and forgetful
(i) Who ever remembers hair-pulling afternoons?
(ii) Or frosted fingers,
bully-stolen mittens,
and missed Saturday cartoons?
Youth,
as a functional period,
Is that sand castle you built...
knowing full well it wouldn't be there
tomorrow,
but troubling yourself with the duty,
nonetheless.
fire ants and the ghosts of love
I figured the ashes of the past had finally bid farewell and goodnight. The last embers cooling and flying away in the wind, leaving no traces of the fire that caused it. Lost forever. But thoughts of the past sometimes cause the past to resurface. Call it the manifestation of the mind into reality, call it what you will. What happened today both scared me and left me in complete wonder.
I got off the bus at Finch station and was walking down Yonge street to work; listening to the Pumpkins and not thinking of anything in particular when all of sudden, for no apparent reason SHE came to mind. And she comes to mind a lot but this time it was different. This time I only thought of her in a way I normally never think of her. I thought of her sitting across from me at some coffee shop. We conversated like platonic friends with nothing between us. None of the passion, none of the pain, none of the events that has changed us both forever. This thought was as if we were old friends who haven't seen eachother in years; bumping into eachother by chance and catching up on old times; asking general questions for courtesy's sake. I thought this, I suppose, because I no longer yearn for her touch, or her laugh, or her as part of me in order to feel complete, whole, fulfilled. These thoughts of her as I continued walking toward the bank were calming and I didn't feel resentment or anger or sadness. Anyway, as I got into the bank the days' events took over and work filled my mind and I forgot all about these thoughts until the phone rang mid afternoon.... with "private" showing in the call display screen.
It was her. Her... since February I had not heard her voice. Never again did I think I would hear her voice. For a second I almost thought it wasn't her and stupidly asked "sorry who is this?". When she spoke again I pretended not to be phased although my heart jumped into my throat instantly. I got nervous and words came out of my mouth but I had no clue what they were. We talked for a little while about... well about exactly what I had been thinking of just hours ago... courtesy talk - about her family, her sister, her work, her engagement, anything but all the events between her and I. And she asked similar questions. I felt dizzy throughout the conversation. I couldn't stop asking her questions because I've missed everything about her. But I didn't feel that spark of torment I felt in the months prior. That spark that made me wish we were still together and that she was mine. I guess I've accepted it finally that she and I will be nothing more than two voices over a phone wire on some random day. I got off the phone soon enough because I had clients coming in for help. She called later on but I was in appointments and couldn't pick up. That's how it was left off. A better way to leave off then when we last left off. I wish her nothing but happiness with her and her fiance. There is one thing she said that will come into play a little later in this post ... she mentioned she missed my dad a lot. Her and my dad were really close so I told her he's fine and thought nothing more of it... that is ... until I got home later tonight around 8 pm.
My dad was sitting out in front of the house having a cigarette. He smokes now. He stopped for a good 10 years but lately he's started again. He was drenched in sweat, his thinning hair and weathered face watching me approach the house. He always waits for me to say hello first. I almost want to cry when I see him like that. He looks so worn down, so frail sometimes, even though he is stronger than me still. Apparently he had been removing blocks of cement from the front garden because tomorrow we have people coming by to extend our drive-way. He asked me to help and I quickly went to change and come back outside to help. As we were moving cement block, digging, and removing more cement blocks I kept getting bitten by fire ants in the yard. The pain was annoying more than anything else. I was so involved with crushing every little ant on my arms and legs that I almost didn't hear my father say "Have you spoken to her lately..." It came out of nowhere. Like the way rain sometimes just starts without warning. Drenching you all over... Again I almost thought I didn't hear it and said "sorry... what?" He repeated himself. I lied and I told him no I haven't spoken to her. I then told him she's engaged and that ended the conversation about her. Or so I thought. My dad then went on to say something that completely shocked me and made stop in my tracks. He said "oh I don't know why but lately I've been thinking a lot about her... she's come into my mind for some reason so many times lately." He said it in farsi. It makes more sense in farsi .. but it was something to that extent. I almost shook my head in disbelief. What the hell was going on? What was the meaning behind all of this?
My back was sore from the yard work and I was sweating head to toe. I kept my mind off of it all through the bites of the fire ants... each one like the pinch of a hot needle. Each one reminding me to forget about any meaning behind todays events... because she is no longer real.
random thoughts on a wednesday night
1) Making a perfect stranger smile is a sure fire way to make yourself feel good and brigthen their day at the same time.
2) Taking the bus anywhere can be a humbling experience... cars can be lonely places.
3) I've thought of a new invention that's like yogurt but frothy like whip cream ... I call it "Fro-gurt"
4) Thank heavens for air conditioning... I don't know how people did without it.
5) I heard the Pumpkins are back together and touring. Maybe I'll get to seem them again one day without my glasses falling off my face in the mosh pit
6) I hate arguing with my dad because we're both stubborn. I love him so much I can't let him be right ... ironic isn't it?
7) I wish I had enough money to move out and live on my own for a little while... that'd be a good experience
8) The more upset I get the nicer I try to be... until I just can't take it anymore.
9) I want everything and nothing all at once sometimes... you might think that's contradictory but you have to feel it to know what I mean.
10) In the paper today Angelina Jolie says she can't go to fancy restaurants anymore after going to Africa and seeing how people live there. Sometimes I disgust myself with how much I have and yet how I feel I have nothing still.
11) Cheese danishs are so freakin' good...
12) I'm running 1 mile in 7:32 seconds now... and it feels damn good
13) In my next life I want to come back as Bob Barker and live to be 200 years old like he has.
14) If I got a tattoo right now at this very moment it would be of a question mark ... "?"
//fin.
old poems on scrap paper
This constellation sighs, crestfallen
Remembering moonlight iced over the stillness of her skin
He sends arrows for her laughter past a shooting star
Yet these stars look away into a universe of emptiness
Why does this infinite darkness console the light in me?
Why does shimmering Virgo and pride-filled Saggitarius block my progress?
As I step out into the city, an artificial glow of yellow
Says hello and I am not in the mood to reply
Do you miss the nights we skipped moons?
Neptunes fire, and dined on mercury kisses on Mars?
You held your breath and I held your hand
As Saturn beguiled our wickedest desires
It was then that I set a gem into your purse
As you boarded the 9 pm train to New York
You fell from me as space and time does in the recesses of the heart
This constellation has lived a billion years, but only a year
Has it glowed since your arrival
I peer now down a subway tunnel strangely familiar
It was that black hole you swam away in,
As we bathed on the beaches of the Sun
You held up your glass of sun water and said
"You are the galaxies I've only dreamt about,
Your smile is your music of light"
Now I place my hands into my jacket pocket, feeling cold and alone
A constellation about to burn out and explode,
Or be consumed by that faint light, now
Welcoming me from the tunnels mouth
It is you, again
My star of stars
I can't wait for our next inter-stellar road trip,
You the ever changing moon,
Me an astronaut of love.
rain falls on everyone
I've been meaning to post sooner, I really have. There's been a lot that's happened and a lot that hasn't. I tried posting at work but I forgot my password... and then something came up like it always does and I got distracted. Distracted. If you say that word enough times you almost seem to get lost in it. Distracted. I guess since my last course finished at York I have been pretty... you know... dis.. whatever. I can't seem to focus on any one thing fully. It's caused a bit of annoyance and ultimately sadness in my life. I've been a little more snappy with family and friends and I really don't like being that way. I suppose this type of rain falls on everyone... It's part of life. I'm fighting to get out of it though. I'll be going back to York on the weekends to study and keep my mind clear of other worries. I've been pretty good with staying consistent with the gym too.
Two fridays ago I went to a club with Sunny. I really enjoyed it. It had been almost a year since I went last. I still felt too old for the clubbing thing but a few drinks quickly took care of that worry. Yes... you heard me right. A couple of drinks. The last time I had a sip was in March and it was one dinky Carona on a friend's birthday. Before that I hadn't had a sip since July of 2004. But I'm learning that this type of rigidity tends to overwhelm me at times. Everything should be in moderation; not in abstinence.
Work is going alright and I'm loving the weather on the weekends. I'm thinking of selling the civic... or maybe I won't. I'm not sure yet. I've kind of overwhelmed myself with a lot of purpose-driven motivation and it's been hard to keep up. I'm still searching for what it is I want deep...deep... deep down.
In the meantime I'm running 1 mile in just a little over 8 minutes at the gym. The 8 minute mile. The heart burn afterwards is about as real as anything feels at the moment.
lost in translation
I'm not sure when it happened.
I'm not sure when I went astray.
I can't pin point the moment it passed me by;
Was it that brief moment when I looked away?
It's not when it happens as much as it is why it does,
Why we can't hold within ourselves what's within us
By day break's early yawn and sunsets slumbered sleep
Something in me something out of me that I could not keep
So I cried tonight because I felt full like an empty well
So much at odds with the world that so even the tears fell
Not moments too late and not moments too early
Not even when I laughed at myself saying "man I feel so girly"
I left before I arrived in that moment of found abandon
As it is with all things that deepen us and flatten our senses
Visceral and ethereal, pliable and concrete
My senses tonight were like yellowed heat lamps
On an otherwise cold empty street.
so what's next?
I got the statistics course out of the way. Tonight was the final exam. I should've studied more for it than I did. Suprisingly it was challenging. Up until now the course has been pretty simple. Regardless, I know I passed so now I'm focusing in on the next challenge at hand - The Canadian Securities Course. I need to get it done by August. That's the goal I've set for myself. Studying at York these past three months have helped me a lot. The cute girls walking around don't hurt either. I was thinking of getting a part time job on the weekends but now I might just use that time to study instead. The extra money wouldn't hurt. It'd help me pay off my OSAP faster which is my number one goal financially. I'll just play that by ear and see if I find something decent. I'm very picky when it comes to work... it probably has to do with my intolerable attitude towards authority. I'm recalcitrant what can I say. Listening to these audiobooks about entrepreneurialism has really ignited that spark inside me again. I really want to put life in fast forward mode these days and complete everything as soon as possible. I guess to do it all I'll have to cut a few things out. Like TV... (not including Lost and Raptors games). A guy's gotta live after all, right? Anyway, this was a quick update. More to come as it unravels...
random thoughts on a monday
- You can't stop a bad hair day from happening no matter how hard you try. It's a fact of nature
- Most people look miserable on the subway (because they probably feel it too)
- Chicken wraps are delicious if you're willing to fork over $5.69 for one
- I'd rather shoot myself then to work in front of a computer ALL day
- Listening to audiobooks on my new Ipod (thank you KB) is a passion I wish I would've discovered a long time ago
- I might never buy a brand new car ... by choice
- I need to set aside some money to buy penny stocks
- Mars bars are great if you need a quick fix to hunger
- Tandoori chicken and samosas with chutney rule. Just flat out rule.
- I have to stop over explaining everything every time!
- I've been told I snore and talk in my sleep... somebody kick me next time
- Off pop and other similar soft drinks
- Quote of the day "If it is to be. It is up to me."
current downloads
1. Raptos vs. Wizards 07.03.30
2. Anthony Robbins - Personal Power II - Incredible financial success (audio book)
3. Barron's Mastering Spanish (audio book)
4. Brian Tracy - 21 absolutely unbreakable laws of money (audio book)
5. Brian Tracy - 21 ways to double your productivity
6. Carl Gustav Jung - Memories, dreams, reflections (e-book)
7. Erich Fromm - The Art of Being (audio book)
8. Management Theory - MBA
9. Noam Chomsky - The New War on Terrorism, Fact and Fiction
10. Rober Kiyosaki - Rich dad Poor dad (audio book)
everything zen
Stories. Everyone's got a story to tell. I wonder what mine will be someday. Will it be a drama, a satire, one of adversity, or one of prosperity? The more I think of this question the more I realize that the story is really all up to me. I have the pen and I have the blank pages in front of me to write whatever it is I want to write. As we all do. But I ask myself why I've written stories in the past that have led to unhappiness, to regret, and to losses that will echo throughout the rest of book of my life. I used to be quite a nihilist... perhaps that is why.
But I'm changing... and so the story changes too.
I like to think I can control anything and everything that happens to me. I've met people who succumb to a greater power and call it destiny or devine intervension or something cosmic; and that's fine if that's what you believe. If that is what you want to shape your world around. But not me. I like to be in control and I like the feeling of knowing that whatever it is that happens to me is a result of my own throught processes and actions. This is perhaps why I'm always so hard on myself. Why I always think I can be better, smarter, stronger, faster, cuter (haha... right). Why I've always known it in the back of my mind but never embraced it.
Lately I've been thinking. Thinking a lot. Trying to look through different lenses. I want the world to mold itself into a picture as I see it. Not the other way around. I want the universe to shape itself around what I think it should be and not the other way around. The world has enough people who think in the opposite way; I want to be different. Is this just a wild imagination or fantastical pretension? I used to think so but not anymore. Now everything is in my hands, as it has always been in all our hands - our past, our present and our future. A thought away. If only we commit to it and let the universe know that it isn't more powerful then our desires.
the secret
If you haven't seen the dvd or read the book called "the secret" I highly recommend it. It's very similar if not the same as Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich." I had read that book some years back and the information it contains is still with me today. My brother-in-law brought the dvd in a few weeks ago and tonight it came to either watching "zoolander" (which is a classic I must say) or watching the dvd based on the book "the secret". I decided to watch the later. I loved it. It's the kind of shit I go for. The power of the mind. The power of the self. The ability to realize that whatever happens to you is a direct result of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. None of this feeling sorry for yourself because you can't control your universe bullshit. I won't really say more about this because I think every person needs to see this dvd or read the book on their own... but it's on my top ten list to be sure.
kick out the gloom
Today was one of those days. Bright. Warm. Resplendent. When I left home for work this morning earlier than I think I have in the past three months ... at 7 am, it was foggy. A warm misty fog that rolled over the sidewalks and over fences and the street like an airy blanket. I thought it looked really cool. As I got to the lights my bus passed by but I didn't really care. Normally I do care but today I didn't. The fog was just that cool you see. Since I had time till the next bus, I walked over the Country Style donut shop beside the Shell gas station right next to the Royal Bank and Swiss Chalet (convenient no?). We live in a world of instant gratitude and that's a very sad thing. Anyhow, as I walked into the Country Style I saw a girl working behind the counter whom I thought I recognized. I used to work with this insurance company about 5 years ago and she looked like a girl who worked for the same company. I couldn't remember her name at all... but the reason I recognized her was because she was kind jumping around behind the counter... a little eccentrically. Not in a weird way... well actually, kind of weird to be honest. Different... let's put it that way. The girl I used to work with 5 years ago was also the same way... and plus they looked similar. So me being me I just had to say something. It turned out it was her. She even remembered my name! And she told me hers. I won't mention it on this blog just in case my blog becomes world famous... I don't want to get sued you know. So anyway, she didn't recognize me at first because I don't wear glasses anymore. She also said I look better without them (the glasses that is). This day was already going amazing and I had only crossed the street... not only was the fog really cool but now a compliment from a girl. The coffee and bagel were good too. I gave her my business card and told her where I work now when she asked. Then I said I'll see her around. When I got on the bus I ran into another friend. Actually this friend is a regular friend. I met her onthe very same bus about two months ago on a bitterly cold night going home from work. It turned out we have a lot in common. We're the same age, both work full time, both have a sister named Monika and both go to York U. She studies on the weekends at York and so do I. I usually study with her and her really funny friends. I chit chatted with her until her stop when she got off.
I went downtown today for mortgage training for work. The subway ride is pretty long but I don't mind it because as always, I love people watching. What I noticed today was how durnig the hustle and bustle of the morning commuter rush everyone looks so darn spiffy. Neat slacks, stylish skirts, shiney shoes, pressed shirts, slicked hair.... Everyone looks like they're going to a job interview. Everyone looks good. unless you look a little closer. Ya you heard me right. If you do look a little closer, you might notice socks that don't quite match the shoes, or a small area on a shirt that wasn't ironed by mistake - an oversight while watching the morning news on tv, or keeping an eye on the eggs frying in a pan. You might notice a few hairs out of place that the gel or straightening iron missed, or anything like this that hints at how the person looked before stepping out of their over-priced condominium or house. That made me smile. I don't know why but it did. It's as if everyone gets up in the morning looking the same... groggy-eyed, in pjs, hairy messy, yawning... then we try so hard to look professional and modern and business-like... but it's a sham. It really is. We're all just actors during the day. All the world's a stage.. as Shakespeare said. Because when we go home we jump back into those clothes and let our real side come out. Our hair goes back to it's natural style, our under shirt has a ketchup stain, we burp or scratch our butt without worrying... you get my point?
Training downtown today was awesome. My manager at the branch also came to this training session so her and I had lunch together and discussed a little about family but mostly about business. We also took a walk around Roy Thompson Hall enjoying the sun and cool air of mid-afternoon. It was so busy and everyone was out on their lunch hour doing the same thing. A really nice and pleasant scene I must say.
Anyhow, I got home from the otherwise boring training around 6 pm. I was in the kitchen eating when mom and dad double teamed me at the table to talk about finding me a girl to marry. I don't even know how the topic came about. It was pretty hilarious actually. I tried explaining the concept of relationship "chemistry" to my dad and it went right over his head. I think he said something like "when I was with your mother her brother told me not to come around the house and even when I did I wouldn't see her." My mom confirmed this by saying "ya I would hide upstairs he would be downstairs talking to my family." Chemistry mema-stry... they didn't buy into it. Luckily the phone rang and saved me from their lecture. I know they mean well but it's not something I like talking about these days. Especially after everything that has happened with.... her.
After eating I went to the gym. Yes. You heard correctly. The gym. After like 3 months of wallowing in my self-pity and guilt I decided today was the day to start up again. And I loved it. I ran for 10 minutes and my heart hurt. I did some arms, some shoulders, some abs, talked to a few old friends there then went to buy some food. The type of food I used to constantly buy... oatmeal, tuna, yogurt, cottage cheese, whole wheat bread, chicken breast, even some shrimp .. etc. I'm going clean again. I've been off the health wagon for too long. I'm going back to the old Abdullah. The one that ate well, excercised and felt good. I haven't felt good in quite some time. I've lost weight and I've felt ugly. There's a line from a Weezer song that comes to mind right now... "I don't wanna be a lone man anymore, it's been too many years since I've been out on the floor, shakin' booty makin' sweet love all the night, it's time I got back to the good life... it's time I got back... it's time I got back.. and I don' even know how I got of the track... it's time I got back yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." Hah... well not quite in so many words but I definitely feel more focused and happy today then I've felt in a long time.
More later.
moody me
I don't know whether it's the weather or what but I've been extremely moody lately. One minute I feel so crestfallen, famished, forlorn, freaking out in my own skin, restless and sleepy at the same time. The next I feel inspired, ambitious, pragmatic, and optimistic. Today I must've changed my clothes three times. From sweats to jeans to pjs and then back to jeans and a t-shirt. Every change was made with a certain mindset. Moody me. I've been going to York to study on the weekends and I went yesterday but not today. Today I felt like doing or saying nothing. I'm desperately trying to resist falling into a state of hopelessness that has clouded over me for the past few months. I'm not fully recovered, not fully healed, not fully over her and all that's happened; and as much as I like to think I am, the constant reminder of her everytime a white 4-dr civic goes by let's me know I have a long way to go. It could also be that Spring is causing this. Spring is a time for love or for romance or whatever it is you call feelings of attraction to the opposite sex (and realistically in today's world... the same sex... ha!) But in all seriousness, I'm caught in this parallel universe between her and the life I lead now; which is completely and utterly discordant to how it was before. It feels lonely. I have some amazing friends and one in particular (she knows who she is) who are always there in case I need to talk, vent, scream, yearn, whatever. But that's never been my style. I'm a sap don't get me wrong... but the kind of sap who likes to keep things to himself. I've always liked battling my own demons by myself.
Anyhow, everything passes. Perhaps I'm making a big deal out of nothing. That's all there is now... nothing. I need to find myself again. I need to find something that makes me happy. Some thing... not some one. I'm really sick of the idea of any sort of relationship.
my heart is full of spring
I'm happier when the weather is nice. It's a fact. Pathetic fallacy. Whatever you want to call it. Carry your sunshine within but I haven't been able to. The sting of winter has brought me down but with spring my heart is full. Not only is nature reborn but so are emotions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Nature is one damned amazing thing wouldn't you say? I remember being seventeen and driving home one spring or summer night from my dad's store. My little blue tercel with its tape player blasting 'love song' by the cure. I took a detour that made my way home longer just so I could breathe in the air and sing at the top of my lungs. Tonight I felt like that again. Driving faster, laughter on the tip of my lips for no reason at all. My memories fell on the past seven years - sitting on a park bench on the beach that one night with the moon more full then I've ever seen it. It lit up the water like liquid silver. I told her that her hair smelled like strawberries and she laughed at me. Waiting in line at the club, hair gelled, cell in hand, buddies cracking jokes, giving girls the once over, feeling so cool and so insecure at the same time, anticipating the rush of the dance floor, the movement of bodies, the split second of catching her eye then fleeting back into youth's oblivion. Sitting by the window over looking the empty street, still warm from the laughter of cars passing by, a stray cat crosses now, a ball lays on the lawn motionless unbothered. Time ceases to exist. The sun will peak any moment now and today will last forever.
I wake up to these feelings every spring... and I almost forget that I've aged at all.
just feel like writing
I don't have anything particular to say. I just feel like writing. I guess my mind is clouded with all sorts of thoughts. It feels like a bee-hive. For a second I'm thinking about the past. In another instant my mind is on the future. And now it's on the here and now. Sporadic images of people, of events, of feelings consume me. Nights like these cause restless sleep and a yearning for something. Answers perhaps? Explanations for why things happen as they do. I'm not myself in my own skin when I'm like this; because I seek an explanation for why I've done what I've done in the past and why I do what I do now. Is there a blueprint of me? Can I maybe take a look please so I can see what it all means. What "I" mean. We all have meaning I suppose. I'm trying desperately to discover mine. If you're reading this you might be lost. I apologize but this isn't supposed to be a coherent or lucid stream of thoughts... I'm just... blah. Random thoughts typed as they come. I also have random songs in my mind. It's really odd. One minute I'll be humming careless whisper, the next a pumpkins song or a tune of my own. Everything in my head feels like a dry-erase board that's being scribbled on constantly and randomly, only to be erased and re-written. It makes it hard to concentrate on any one thing.
I think I'm depressed.
with words the world is yours
Apparently a friend of mine who has recently visited this blog page has been inspired to start her own blog. I read her posts today and I loved both of them. It's nice to know my sporadic musings and blase diatribes actually have some purpose; not only do they keep my mind occupied on my most important topic.... me, but apparently they also have the capability to inspire someone else to do some writing. Which is good. Really good. Because if anything, people don't write much anymore. It seems to be a lost art. I used to do a lot of writing when I was younger. Then the hustle and bustle of life creeps over you and you forget how fun it is to actually THINK of something and put it down on paper (or in our world now... on a computer). And not just fun but also therapeutic.... cathartic... calming... whatever you want to call it. Words can be your punching bag sometimes or they can be the coffins to the emotions you need to bury. I hope someone is inspired by her blog to start their own.
iron eyelids
I've been sleeping for at least 8 hours a day, yet I'm so sleepy. I was falling asleep during a meeting at work today. I just couldn't keep my eyelids open. I started falling asleep on the bus during the ride home too. When I finally got off the bus the air was crisp enough to wake me up. I hate that feeling... of drowsiness. I have so much to read. Shit for work. Shit for school. But I know if I start right now I'll fall asleep. I was channel surfing in the family room half an hour ago when my dad called me into the living room. Everyone else is at work it's just him and I right now. He pointed to the TV and asked me if I recognized the lady singing on the screen. It was her mom. And by her I mean The Her. The girl that has changed me forever. I couldn't help but just stare at the screen as if a part of me was alive again. I've gotten rid of all pictures, all video, all images that have to do with her but there in my very own living was her mom singing some beatiful song. This caused my dad to go into his "marriage" conversation with me. I brushed it off like I always do. Without her I couldn't care less about marriage or love or anything. I just want to be alone. Turning your back on love is the easiest thing to do until you realize what you've done. By then it's too late. I feel empty inside. It was like seeing my family on that screen, and it felt like a part of me has been taken away forever. I miss her dearly.
paperclip warrior
Work is really stressing me out. I've been going in later and later the past two weeks. I get to work late and I try to leave early. I think the wear and tear of the past month's frigid weather finally got to me. I haven't been commuting this much by bus since high school. It's not only this, it's also the environment at work. I've always been the independent type at work. I don't like authority much. There's a word for this but it slips me now. All the expectations and little bureaucracies of the banking world really irritates me. I try and take it all in with a grain of salt but it really irks me how big of an issue they make out of the smallest things. They're really micro-managing us and there's a bit of a big brother feel at the branch that annoys the hell out of me. I'm more into a laid back environment - and I think I'm a better employee if it was more laid back. Lately I've found myself snapping back at my manager with some rebuttal to whatever she happens to say. I acquiesce with her eventually but not before I put in my two cents. I wish now I would've tried harder in Uni. Maybe then I'd be doing something I really enjoy instead of towing the company line. I dunno. I'm still trying to find my place. I think I care too much sometimes. I've always taken things too personally.
It's one of my weaknesses.
now and then
"everyday is saturday night but I can't wait till sunday morning..."
There was a time when that was so true. Party on friday night, party on saturday night, sleep in on sunday till noon. Eat insatiably afterwards. Bum around the house in the PJs and then watch a movie. Sundays now creep up so quickly, like the wind about to blow a door open to monday morning. Knowing tomorrow you have to face that wind again and the drudgery of commuting to work. Monday to friday is a void that passes in a blur usually. Days meld into eachother; sometimes I forget which day I'm on.
But I remember the sundays of a few years ago. I couldn't care less about Mondays. Sundays were infinite. Sundays were sublime.
the wheels on the bus...
So for the first time in my entire 25 years on planet earth I did something today that other citizens routintely do every single month. I bought a bus pass. Yes, you heard it here first. A monthly bus pass. I have now epitomized myself to a level of uber-nerdom that even I had not stooped to until tonight. Saving money never hurt so much. At least when I was buying tickets people might assume that I'm an occassional bus rider or even someone who might ride today but not tomorrow because he has a car... but now I have "the pass" and the pass means I'm officially not on the "occasional" list anymore. I'm a full fledged member of the monthly pass squad. Shoot me now please. I put the pass in the windowed portion of my wallet where my drivers license is, covering it up. I got on the bus and flashed the pass to the driver like I've seen other passengers do. It kind of felt like I was a super dorky bus inspector getting on board. Anyway, whatever. I'm saving money and It'll feel better when I have my debts paid off so I can start driving to work again. Although maybe I won't. Maybe I'll get used to the bus and it's ultra hard seats that make my ass even flatter than it already is. Maybe I'll keep buying these montly passes... after all they are tax deductible.... oh god what have I turned into. Tomorrow I'm not getting on the bus. I'm jumping in front of it.
ab vs. candy machine
I should have gone to school sooner to study today, but I get lazy on sundays. Really lazy. Surprising even myself, though, I actually did go to school around 4 pm to study. I went upstairs to the second floor of Scott Library and found one of those little study units that are blocked off on both sides a lot unlike a voting booth during election time. Students tend to scribble things on these desks but I didn't find anything interesting to read in mine. Studying my statistics book was slow and arduous. I ended up taking a break about an hour later. I didn't bring any food with me, not even a bottle of water, so I went down to the vending machine to grab something. The machine was full of chips and candy bars and cookies. Very appealing. I couldn't decide what I wanted! I must have spent 2 minutes just looking at everything. Then I finally put my toonie into the slot. Nothing happened. The little blue digital display read Credit $0.10. What the #*&?! I put in a toonie... that's $2.00. I tried punching a few buttons and twisting a few knobs. Nothing. All I got was a constant "beep beep beep" as if the machine was laughing at me. Some guy came up behind me also with thoughts to grab a snack. He put a toonie also. His toonie didn't work either. This bastard machine had just swallowed $4.00 and returned nothing but beeps. The poor guy also pushed a few buttons and twisted a few knobs before succumbing to the realization that it would be fruitless to try any more. I kicked the damn thing. Finally, I decided my toonie was forever gone and decided to get my mind off my stomach by using the computers nearby to check my email. While I was on the computer I noticed other students losing their dollars to that blasted contraption. I warned a few but I couldn't stay there all night and warn everyone. Something had to be done. This machine wasn't going to keep playing it's dirty little unscrupulous game. It was Ab vs. The Machine and I was hell bent to win. I went back into the library and got a piece of paper and some tape. I wrote "Out of Order" on it and taped it to the front of the machine. Why hadn't someone done this earlier? How many students had been duped before I came along and saved the day? Yes indeed I felt like a super hero. I had single-handedy saved many students to come from being tricked by this wretched machine. I noticed later that some stupid girl ignored my sign and still put in some money. I guess the machine won afterall...
the curtain falls
a message.
a favour.
a click or two.
a word used as naturally as water
"fiance"
a reply
"bye hun"
and then there was nothing
i hope it remains so
there is nothing more i need to know
i need to breathe
i need to breathe again
what remains...
I woke up from a bad dream. It involved her. I wish she hadn't called on Valentine's Day. I wish she wouldn't message me on msn. I have told her numerous times... "I pray for your happiness with your new love. I wish I could turn back time but that isn't possible so please forget about me. I am trying to move on with my life and it's difficult if I hear your voice or see your words. I'm not strong enough to pretend it doesn't affect me." And yet now and then she calls at work or sends me a message and it feels like my world crumbles to a standstill, and every heartache from the past year and a half resurfaces like hot water gushing from a geyser. A photo album of pain. And what she says to me changes nothing. They're bits and pieces of her new life. She talks to me as if she's on a balcony over-looking a great wide expanse of nothingness. It's almost like she's talking to herself. I'm merely just the connection on the other line and nothing more. A big part of me thinks she still cares. The reality is she doesn't. If she did she'd never contact me again.
Ever.
from caterpillar to butterfly
Love. Love or perish. All we have is love. Without it we are empty vessels buoyant on vacant oceans in the emptiness of time. It has taken me since my last post in June of 06 to realize this fact in the harshest way possible. In away that is only fitting for a person like myself - the hard-headed, learn by example, change by consequence, regret with heartache, and eventually live with acceptance sort of way. Perhaps you can relate? Perhaps you cannot. But my bet is on the former. Everyone's gotta story that can break your heart as Cheryl Crow put it best.
My only solace... words. Thoughts are things afterall. And so I find myself hammering away at my keyboard at 12:23 am with a relish that I haven't felt in what seems ages. A key to a lock that has finally clicked open. I've shut in feelings like blinds shut in the shade from the sun. But my words are and have always been my elixir. I dare not recount the cataclysms of the past seven and a half months. Months that I can say wholly with every molecule in my body that were the hardest months of my entire life. If you ever have the chance to read a book called the Sufferings of Young Werther by Goethe, you will know of what I mean. I dare not attempt to put it into words. I dare not do it injustice.
It has been months longing for her love to return.
It has been months regreting actions taken and actions withheld.
It has been months searching for a man inside a boy inside a newborn.
It has been months of realization, of contemplation, of depravity, of repentance, of regret, of redemption, of focus, of abandon, of sleeplessness, of awakening, of angels, of demons, of beginnings, and ultimately of endings. Of her. Of me. Of Love. Of loss. Of a caterpillar and a butterfly and the ever after.
I flip through the final pages of the past 8 months and it's a story I shall never ever forget. The end.
I've become an uncle since my last post. It's a weird feeling sometimes when I hold my nephew I don't quite know what to feel. When I look at my sister I still see a baby. I don't see a mom just yet. My inability to live in the present is a real bitch, let me just tell you. I long for the past way too much. And to long for the past means I'm not happy with the present I suppose. Because If I was I would live for now and look forward to the future. But I'm hurtling through things too quickly and I feel like I'm on a bullet train. Everything is on fast-forward.
He's beautiful though. I have trouble picturing my own life as a married man. With someone sleeping beside me every night. With a child. I want it and I hope I will love as I once did. I am still recovering from the aforementioned past 8 months. Some things take longer to heal when you're doing it alone.
Work is snowballing. I take the bus in the mornings to work and it's been frigidly cold the past few weeks. I sometimes want to cry on the way home. I read or I listen to music or read the paper. My mind is always usually on something else though. This isn't a sad thing though. I like the comfort of doing something I used to do quite often. It's a silent freedom. To be out there on your own. And when I get to work I switch into another mode. I greet the clients like old friends and I have casual conversations with my co-workers about impersonal topics of no consequence. It's like a play that I'm an actor in everyday. An 8 and a half hour grandiose production starring me. And then it's the bus again.
I lost weight. A lot of weight. I haven't been to the gym in over 2 months. I don't know why. I haven't had the will.
I'm doing well in my course. It feels good to study again after nearly a year. Like work it's another world I can get lost in and forget the past. Forget her if only for a moment.
I've written a lions share. Although there is more to write.
Isn't there always?
I will end it here.
landmines and cherry blossoms
I got through the weekend in one peace. I'm feeling well again and even though I think I lost another few pounds during my sickness, at least I can do things again. I went to the beach with a close friend on Saturday morning and we ended up getting into a huge fight because.... well... because that's just what her and I do. We get into fights. I get along with her too but the fights never seem to really end either. Some things about her just annoy me and I can't hold it in. She argues back and the next thing we know we're having another huge fight. So Saturday night I went out to a club with my friend Sunny to get my mind off of it. She called his phone which is another thing that annoys me about her but we'll leave that for now. I had a fun time at the club even though the crowd was shit. On Monday I had an interview with CIBC. It was a phone interview and I was nervous and talked really quickly through the questions but I think it went well. Hopefully I get a job with them. That's the latest scoop. The cherry tree in my backyard is full of cheeries and I can't wait to pick them. My friend and our friendship is a land mine. You get the idea of the title now.
sick
I've had a fever since late wednesday night. I haven't been this sick in almost a year. I haven't eaten much in the past few days either and I feel pretty weak. My fever seems to have passed and now all that remains is a sore throat. It's hard to swallow and eating anything is a pain. In other news, I have a telephone interview on Monday with CIBC. I hope it goes well because I really want to leave security for good. I have the weekend off so I'll look up some practice answer questions online and prepare for it. Other than this nothing else is up. Life moves forward like a perpetual pendulum...
new head space
It's been five days since my last post. I got the transfer to the new office. It's only two-storeys and there's even less work to do here than at the condo! This is good because now I can really study hard for my mutual funds license and look for better work during the day. I applied to maybe 5 different jobs last week and I haven't heard anything from anyone. That really frustrates me because it feels like I'm sending my resumes out in vain. Nevertheless, I shall continue to apply in hopes of finding something with better pay. I need to because not only do I have huge towering bills to pay, but my dad is always going and on about how I'm not helping him financially in the house. On sunday we went to visit him at work for Father's Day and seeing him work in that hot, sweaty, menial job of his on the weekends really broke my heart. I really feel guilty for being young and naive and doing a lot of stupid things when I was younger; especially when it came to spending my money frivolously. Even though I've cut back a lot on my extra-curricular activities, I still don't have enough to help him. This wednesday I get paid so I'm going to give him some money just to show him that I do want to help. It won't be a lot but I hope it at least sends the message. Often times I still feel like I'm eighteen years old and the world is my proverbial oyster. It's only when I look at myself in the mirror that I realize that I'm getting older by each passing day and if I don't make something of myself then I'll only sink deeper into my current state of stagnation.
A change of scenary
Well tonight is my second last night working security at the condo. It's been a fun ride, full of new faces, new stories, and some misadventures. I got a call about a new office building that the company got an account for and they asked me if I wanted to work there instead. I said sure. It's not bad working here but I'm SO tired of working rotating shifts. This new building will be afternoons only (5pm to Midnight). I know I know... that sounds shitty too, but at least I get to sleep at night like a normal human being. That will end a lot of my rants obviously since I get my most introspective at night. Besides this nothing much is new. I've been applying to jobs and hoping to hear back from some of them, but honestly it feels like I'm sending my resume out into cyber space into some dark abyss. Maybe some aliens will pick it up on their inter-steller travels across the universe and hire me aboard their ship. I'd get to see all the galaxies and catch moon beams... Ok now I'm just being a loony. These words just now remind me of a Radiohead song. Love that band.
timeless oldies
I got to work around 1020 tonight and to my surprise the officer I relieved was listening to the Saturday Night Oldies on Chum FM. I absolutely LOVE some of these songs... like "baby love" or "stand by me" or "let's do the twist." So I'm listening to these songs and they're just amazing. Songs like these aren't written anymore. I'm eating cake too. It was my brother's 21st birthday today. I had actually forgotten all about it since I'm always caught up in my own world. I'll go out later tomorrow and get him something. Right now I have to complete this 12 hour shift ahead of me. I'm afraid the cake will run out long before the shift does.
"Baby I need your lovin'.... got to have all your lovin""
black tea
I've been up for more than 20 hours. I'm soooooooooooooooo very sleepyyyyyyyy. ZzzzzZzzz. I went out with violent muffin to dinner and then a movie yesterday. We saw District B13. It was a lot of fun but it left me with no sleep and I had to start a 12 hour shift right after. I have one hour to go and then I'm done but my mind is drifting out of consciousness every other second. I've been knocking back cup after cup of black tea to alleviate the problem but no far it hasn't worked. Couldn't find coffee anywhere. I'm a walking zombie... ya that's me.
new prospects
I haven't posted in a few days because I was busy with work and such. I just got in from a job interview. It's the first one I've had in well over 2 or 3 years. I got so comfortable and complacent with doing security that I just stopped searching for something better; and because of that I think I lost a lot of great opportunities. And also lost a lot of my enthusiasm for work. The way I got this interview was actually by chance and luck. Are those two things the same thing? Chance and luck? I picked up a shift over night in Milton - a little town west of Toronto which is predominantly white and as one lady called it "caker"-ville. A person who I helped out while on duty there turned out be the Vice-President of a vacation company. He gave me his card and it turns out the company is located across the street from my house! Fate works in funny ways doesn't it? I had the interview today and it went well. If I get this job it'll be a nice change from wearing a uniform all the time, as the employees in this company wear casual clothes all the time.
In other news, I went out to a charity casino last night with my best friend and her brother. We had a good time regardless of the fact that neither one of us won anything. Violent muffin (my best friend) had found 2... yes 2... four leaf clovers the day before yet forgot to bring them to the casino! I'm using that as an excuse for our poor luck. Isn't it impossible to find a four leaf clover? Moreover, how does a person find TWO in one day? Some things can't be explained...
That is all for now. More later.
this funny thing called life
The last few days have been cataclysmic. I've been lost and found, remembered and forgotten, loved and scorned, judged and misjudged. I have people who detest me and others who still care enough to keep company with me. What a funny thing life is. I never cease to be amazed by the many facets that make it ostensibly unpredictable and completely random. "If God has a master plan that he only understands, I hope it's your eyes he's seeing through." A song called "Precious" from Depeche Mode is my current favourite. "Things get damaged... things get broken... I thought we'd make it with words left unspoken." I'm at work today ...all day. I have the Toronto Star, a poetry book of Rumi the world's greatest msytic poet, and endless cups of green tea and sponge cake to satiate me. More than all this I have a sense of relief. The current wave of tumultuous social altercations have momentarily subsided. I hate confronations but sometimes my primeval desire for it outweighs all other senses. Sometimes it's cathartic. Sometimes its purifying' to release all your demons in one demonic verbal diatribe. Or I could just write it all on here. Anyway, so in other news, dad sold his SUV and now is looking for another SUV. I still haven't found a better job and grow evermore irritable at work, and my sister is six weeks her in and I'll be an uncle by this time next year (probably sooner). Things move forward as I stand still. An effigy of bitter contentment if there ever was one.
eulogy of a broken heart
This muddied stallion
has run too far
his heart is on fire
his hooves ache with
the uncertainty of
where this unbeaten
pass will take him
yet there lingers in
him an ambition
so strong, it could
turn the wild around
him in all its entirety
into one single shining thought...
This yearning - the cause of
which he knows not now
seeks him to rest under canopies
of greenery, a humming bird now
circles the fragrances around him
he is thoughtless for a moment
as the waning daylight casts a final
wink goodnight and farewell
the humming bird retires to the
forthcoming twilight
this is the hour of reminescence
the soft earth beneath his body
soaks the last rays travelling from
the heavens and he is in exile yet
his mind is damned to pursue
a love he can neither see, taste, nor touch
.
a poem revived
She unravels the ropes
off of masts lost in the oceans
of my incongruities
does she speak the language of
sea-birds and sea-farers?
could I dive into her mercury
heart in search of secret treasures or
do the jewels in her palms resemble
the words in my diaries?
"your face subdues the darkest of evenings,
and transforms sunlight into gold."
she is seawater for a lover's thirst
she is lost islands to the eyes of
land-starved wanderers and
she is the endless storm of misadventure
to seekers and treasure hunters
my life revolves around her waves
as her ebbs and caps form patterns
in my eyes like lucid transparancies
i am taken to sea with helplessness,
without struggle, as surely a drowned
man finally succumbs on his chosen day
lost to the menageries of his final sleep
like a porceline doll
i charge her to a duel
one of us must walk the plank of love
and her poison-tipped sword
i fear will be the end of me.
twenty seven past two
I washed the car a few hours ago and it took me forever because I did it slowly. I washed each area three times and then I vacuumed the inside. I switched the seat covers from one side to the other because the drivers side was starting to rip. I had to set my mind to something in order to stop thinking. I looked at the cars passing by my street... one yellow ferrari like the one Tom Selleck had in Magnum P.I. Except his was red of course. As I was washing the car I kept looking down the street toward the main road expecting to see her drive up. I almost wish she would while my head was inside the car so she could sneak up from behind and give me a swift kick in the ass. But I'll probably never see her around here again. I came back inside feeling empty and had lunch and watched the sports highlights. Dad just recently cut the cable to basic cable so it was either sports or Soap Operas and there's no way in hell I'd watch a Soap Opera no matter how depressed I ever get. I wanted to apply to some jobs today and then go to the gym but instead I picked up the phone and I called into work. I picked up a shift in Mississauga at Kraft Canada. It's from 8 pm tonite until 6 am tomorrow morning. One of the last things she said to me was to focus on clearing my debt and I intend to do that. I need to do it for myself and because it might just be one of the only things that she told me to do which I'll actually listen to. Now I'm going to sleep because sleep means nothingness.
strange lives & strange loves
"There were times when my crimes would seem almost unforgivable... I gave in... to sin... because you have to make this life livable."
That's a line from a Depeche Mode song that I'm strangely in love with because it fits this turmoil of my life so well. Last night I couldn't really sleep. I had a lot on my mind about her and about myself. I thought about the past year of my life and how it was strangely different from every previous year I'd ever known; and all because of one person. A year filled with effervescent happiness and the lowest of lows I've ever experienced. Events passed across my eyes like a slideshow and I felt relieved and hurt at the same time. I felt justified and accused all at once. When it's all said and done now it's funny how I'm here, the same person yet forever changed. I can't say I won't miss those events or the touch of someone who loved me so much. She always thought I was as cold hearted as a snake but that isn't true. I will miss everything - even the fights that ended in tears or hugs; and I think it'll be this way for awhile before I can move on but it was a choice I made. You reap what you sow as they say. Today I'm off from work which will make it all that much more difficult to keep my mind off of her and everything else. I had a dream last night of her at my doorstep. I grabbed her and held on to her and wouldn't let go but when I moved to look at her she no face. It was just a darkness...and I realized then that the darkness was a mirror image of my face. I don't think I could ever face her again. And so it ends. Every book that ends makes way for a new book. This past year has left a permanent scar on me that I can always run a finger across and remember what I did to cause it.
the inevitable demise
It's hot out today. Really hot. And ironically my social life was under fire today as well. I haven't talked too much about this on here because I never really knew how to put it into words. I have someone... or better to say now, had someone in my life who loved me as much as one human being could love another. It was an on again off again relationship that was chaotic mostly because of me. I'm erratic and distant. I wanted her sometimes, and other times I didn't. I would tell her to leave me alone and then I would miss her the day after. I treated her very badly because I knew she loved me so much and would never leave me. I loved her company and how she made me feel but I never loved her the way she deserved to be loved. I cared about her but that wasn't enough to stop me from being an ass most of the time. I escaped from the responsibility of accepting someone who wanted to be a part of my life and instead I spent time with others who didnt't love me just to feel human again. To feel like I always felt. The underdog. The person who was there but remote from everyone else. I didn't want to be loved. Not by anyone because I've never been happy with who I am and I felt guilty whenever someone did care for me. I would start to push them away. I wanted to be free and independent and do all the things that people do when they're single. No regrets no feelings of attachment. Nothing but the comfort of one's own solitude. Me against the world. She'd often tell me she was the shoulder I could lean on. What she didn't know was that I never wanted a shoulder at all. I always have too much on my mind about everything else and never about one person in particular. Not her... not anyone. This is why I'm afraid I'm unable to love anyone. I'm selfish. I think about my feelings and my needs first. I lost someone today and it's for the best for both of us. I wish her nothing but the best and all the success and happiness this world has to offer. She said she'll love the next person she's with more than me and I hope she does. I know what I lost but strangely enough, I'm happy I lost it. I never deserved it in the first place and now I can get on with my life as I would have had she never come into it ... alone and single by choice. That is what makes me happy and sad. My greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
in the country
I picked up another shift on Sunday from noon to midnight. It was in Aurora which I'd heard of but had never been to. Turns out it was up north again, this time in the east end. I had to take a few rolling one-lane roads surrounded by trees on both sides to get to it. The drive up was beautiful but my poor little civic had a rough time with all the bumps along the way. Tomorrow I think I'll have to take it to a car wash because it was also really dusty up there. I stopped off at a little car shop to ask for directions and the "hilly billy" looking guy that tried to help me looked straight out of a Stephen King novel. He scared me a little. When I finally got to the building I was glad there was another officer working at the same time. Doing twelve hours alone gets boring as you can imagine. It turns out this guy was named Gabriel and he was from Romania. He talked a lot about his travels around Ontario and things like that. I realized how much of Ontario I haven't actually seen... it was sad. What I found interesting about this guy was that he was 28 but he already had gotten divorced once, married again, and now had a 19th old baby girl. To me that seems like an entire lifetime. One part of my job that I like, although I always have something to complain about, is that I get to see different companies and meet different officers all the time. I hear their stories and I share my experiences. That's the only gerat part of the job I suppose. I'm starting to really enjoy the country north of where I live. There's so much greenary and things like clean ... pure... innocent... natural... things I feel I've lost touch with since my childhood.
under the stars
Last night I picked up a shift up north in King City. It's only about twenty minutes north but it's all country land... idyllic. There's a private school up their where all the rich suburbanites send their kids. I was there because they were having their annual charity auction and needed a security officer. The theme of the night was Viva Las Vegas! and the tent they had set up on the field was decorated with all kinds of glitsy and glamourous paraphenelia. Although I had to stand most of the time, I enjoyed the night. The event ended around midnight and I had to stay overnight to make sure none of the auction merchandise was stolen. Up in King City you can actually see the stars - they're a lot bigger and brighter up their than in the city. And since I was out in the country I could hear coyotes howl in distance. I wasn't scared though... ok maybe a little. I thought they were wolves so I stayed in my car most of the time. So that was might night... I got to see how the rich party it up and I got to see something beautiful in the stars. Now I'm starving so I must go get some food...
freedom hell
I came across an interesting quote today while on the Internet. It's from a psychology text book.
"In the existentialist view, human beings, in their rush to obtain the material comforts offered by modern technology, have abandoned their values and lost their sense of personal responsibility. People in the modern world do not choose; they conform and follow. And by conforming, they fail to genuinely experience who they are and what they feel. The result is inauthenticity and a denial of the true self. This condition, called alienation is a sort of spiritual death, in which the person is haunted by a sense of the ultimate meaningless of life and by terror over the nothingness that will come with death."
the search has begun
Yesterday I said I'd go to the gym after missing a month - and I'd like to proudly announce that I accomplished that task. I deserve a cookie or a ribbon or something. I realized when I got there how much I'd missed it. So keeping with that show of fortitude with my goals, I also applied to a few jobs online tonight at work. I still need to update and "embellish" my resume but at least it's a start. Today was also pay day! I got over a grand which is awesome because it will bring all my bills up to date. It might even leave me with enough at the end to buy a coffee - woohoo! Working all those overtime hours paid off I guess. And here I am still sane... I think. You the reader can be the judge of that.
In other news, I started a new book tonight that a friend was kind enough to lend me. It's called The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini and it's about an Afghan boy's coming of age story. Pretty cool since I've never really read a book about my country of birth. So far I can relate to it very well and I'm loving it. This story is about growing up in Afghanistan during the early 80s when the Russian invasion occured. Maybe I should write a book about growing up as an Afghan in Toronto throughout the 90s. That would be a very interesting story also.
I hope the weather is beautiful today.
down but not out
Today I decided to dig out some of my old financial books and read them. I pulled out two huge binders that I had bought but never studied. They're each like 900 pages ... and there's two of them! But you see, if these two binders are studied and then if one were to be bold enough to take an exam on the material in them then one would become...*drum roll* ... a licensed financial advisor! Pretty cool eh? Now if only I can open the binder...
In other news... I think I'm going to go to the gym today. I've missed literally about a month because I had no money and therefore I could not buy all the goodies I needed for my workouts - like protein, chicken, tuna, whole wheat bread, cereal, egg whites, etc. I'm the type of guy who won't do something unless he has the right things for which to do it with. I used to go hungry just because we had peanut butter and jelly but the wrong type of bread... we had pita bread instead of sliced bread; and that just wouldn't do, no sir. Stuff like that frustrates me! I'll come up with a list of frustrating things one day. I used to spend about $100 every 10 days or so on food and I gained a bit of weight but I think I lost it all now. Since I have debts I can't afford to spend so much on food. I'll have to be selective. Can you say No Frills? I'm still around 180 lbs which sucks. I need to get to 190 or higher. But I don't care if I don't have the right type of foods. I'm going to the gym anyway because I miss it. I love working out. If you're reading this... go work out. Go. Now. *smile*
blankpoet's blankness
When you live the way I'm living right now something happens; you get reduced to a very simple image of yourself. And that image for me is the basis for this post. Unlike my first entries, my recent posts have been nothing but updates on how miserable work has been and why I sleep like it's the sweetest thing on the planet (in a lot of ways, it is). Alas, all creative and spiritual capacities have left me, and in it's place is a meloncholic (and I think, melodramatic!)creature uncharmed by his blase surroundings. Ok so that sounds pessimistic and uninspired, but when all I've been doing is going to work, coming home, sleeping, getting up and then going back to work... well, you can't really live as much as you can just exist. The last thing I want is to exist at this age...24. But! I'm afraid the bug of responsiblity (coupled with nagging parents and an ever-unrelenting sense of guilt) has bitten me square on the arse towards work instead of play. 24 isn't that old right? I can still party, play, lie in a stupor and behave like a dingle berry when all my problems are gone...right? I mean really, who wants to live a boring life of work when you can enjoy these few precious years given to you in the time of your life... Ok ... alright... that's unrealistic too... leave me alone.
day sleeper
I slept right through yesterday and it was that kind of sleep that's like a light switch. You turn it off and you and the world as you know it ceases to exist. It's the kind of sleep that is dreamless and motionless. I wonder if that's what death is like? Just a dark nothingness. At 11am the world stopped and never was. I was truly gone. At 630 pm I came to and it was all there again. And you know what? I wasn't at all impressed by anything I saw...
numb
I haven't posted in a few days. I picked up some ungodly shifts from 5 am in the morning to 2 pm in the afternoon and it's put my internal clock in a tailspin. I have got to get out of security and find something during the day. If I continue working nights, days, and afternoons all on different days I'll lose what little bit of my sanity I have left. It's paying the bills right now which is all that matters. But at what price? It's hard to draw a fine line between meeting your needs financially and meeting your humanly desires for peace and recreation. I should really start searching for another job. I have to re-do my resume and get into the habit of faxing and e-mailing it out like I did a few summers ago. Nothing came out of it so I gave up back then, but looking around at some of the "managers" of the companies I've been doing security at, I think to myself I could easily do their job. But that's just the pretentious side of me. I've always thought I could do anything. I'll even watch professional basketball and think about how I would take on one of the players if I ever got a chance to go toe-to-toe with them. I'm working for the next seven days straight and then I have five days off. I think I'll take a day to myself to recover and then put the nose to the grindstone once again. Nothing special about this post. Just an update on this fabulous life of mine. It's all so beautiful.
i ask myself
I ask myself what I accomplished today and I have no answers. I ask myself If today will be remembered were it not for this post, and I cannot be certain. How many of our days are spent in hum drumness? How many hours, minutes, seconds are wasted by every breath, every thought, every moment that means little or nothing. And such is the passage of our lives, highlighted by a few glimmering or tragic moments, but passed mostly in a blurry daydream. I asked one of the tenants at the condo today how her day was. She replied "excellent!" vehemently. So I asked her why it was "excellent" and she replied "I'm healthy, I'm alive!" I guess if I were to look at it that way, today wasn't such a waste. I'm also healthy and alive. Yay.... *sniff* See the thing is, for me that's not enough. There has to be something MORE to every day to make it enjoyable. Am I just a pissy hard-to-please person? Perhaps. Two little old chinese ladys are gabbing away by some couches in front of me. They walk around here (this condo) all day doing god knows what. Just enjoying eachothers company. To them this is what a happy day is. I wish I was a little old chinese lady! I'd be named Abdulong Hamdidong or something. One is named Stella and she looks like an over-grown hobbit. I wish I could speak chinese, then I would know what they're talking about. Oh I forgot to tell you... I got these little stools today from a tenant who moved out. I'm going to use one for playing guitar on. I'm hungry. Someone ate my pasta today.
